CHEAP CITY DRIVING DIRECTIONS
Adventurous tourists will surely want to make Cheap City a stop on their family summer road trips, corporate getaways, or perhaps their “mid life crisis resulting in a search for a quirky town to help you find yourself.” Other reasons for visiting are permitted, but not recommended. In order to combat urban sprawl and retain some of the local flavor that has made Cheap City so spicy, our exact location is not released to the public. However, we have made the following driving instructions available to all who would like to come and learn our ritual dances, sample the regional candy, and possibly get lost in a mysterious underground tunnel. These directions must be followed EXACTLY. Those who have deviated from the path have not yet found their way home:
1.) Begin at the following coordinates: 41.375017,-82.117027. Stand outside of your vehicle and spin around ten times (N.B. This MUST be counter clockwise)
2.) Head west to US Interstate 77 and start driving south. Count to 6,312 Mississippi and take the first exit.
3.) Take a right at the end of the exit ramp and continue straight until you reach a dead end.
4.) Pull over and set your tent up outside. You brought a tent, right?
5.) Sleep for exactly 4 hours and 19 minutes.
6.) If you followed these steps exactly, the road should no longer have a dead end. Continue straight.
7.) When you pass Old Man Simmons’ Apple Orchard, do NOT stop the car. You may be tempted by the glistening ripe apples, looking almost too good to be true. You may be tempted to stop when you see Old Man Simmons’ daughter, whose image may fill your head with fantasies of simple country life. DO NOT listen to the voices in your head. Only despair waits in the apple orchard. Continue straight and turn right when you see the row of scarecrows (they’re not actually scarecrows).
8.) You will now be driving in a spooky forest. It’s called The Woods Where You Shouldn’t Go. Whoever named all the locations in Cheap City is not very creative. By the way, where did the sun go? When you come to the fork in the road stop the car and get your extra gas out of the trunk. You brought extra gas, right? Fill the tank up and take the right. Do NOT believe the signs that say Cheap City is to the left. That’s where the giant spiders live. They’re very scary and very good at making fake road signs.
9.) Keep those headlights on and don’t stop the car. It may start raining. The forest is thick and spooky. You might hear screaming. You might see the red glow of a hellmouth deep in the woods. But you want to come dance in Cheap City, right? Don’t stop the car.
10.) After 10 hours of driving through the forest, you should find yourself in a wide open meadow, bathed in warm sunlight. Open the windows and take a deep breath. I’m serious. That’s part of the instructions. Can you see the skyscrapers in the distance? Can you hear the faint sound of a pounding bass drum? You’ve made it to Flat Iron Flats. Continue straight on until you see a sign reading NOW ENTERING CHEAP CITY. Congratulations! You live here now.